Enjoy your CONTINUED Bachelorhood, Adios...

Craig M..you have amazing hair, kinda a fox - but a shitty personality and a stick up your ass

Tyler V..eh, I didn't really even know you were on the show. And, thats quite the shiner you were rocking (or birthmark) on your forehead tonight

The Bachelorette

Dear Frank: you went on one date with Allie, all of the other bachelors in the house also like Allie. You may love her, but you seem to be a little obsessed..like can't eat, can't sleep obsessed, Please take it down a notch or thirty, you are starting to remind me of Ducky from Pretty in Pink.

Dear Johnathan, "Weatherman": you are coming off a little sensitive. Granted, Craig is a massive douche lord, you need to refocus your attention on other areas, and stop being a tattle tale to Allie. it's not a good look, it's a little wimpy - much like you were in the photo shoot..you made it very apparent to Allie, and the rest of America, that you are not packing heat in your pants.

Dear Kasey: I'm sad that you weren't focused that much on this episode - but you still had a bubble in your throat. AND, you received the FIRST ROSE!! Make sure you feed the frog that lives in your voice box before next weeks' episode!!

Dear Allie: Please stop laughing at every little thing the guys say. It's a little annoying, and over the top. And, you are obviously very horny on this episode.

Made: All this show does is make me cringe

I am currently watching, Made: I want to Become a Dancer. This poor girl dances like gumby.

The Manzos from Jersey, I respect you.

I have to spotlight a phenomenal line and conversation going on between Caroline and the Manzo family.

Albie (HOTTIE, on the right) and his brother, Christopher (EH, not so much, on the left), are talking about the two girls that they are going on a double date with. Being the boss and phenom mother and person that she is, Caroline asks Albie (FOX) where the girls are from, and his response....

"umm..I don't know, planet earth"

I rate that line 10 out of 10. I will use this in the near future, absolutely.

Housewives of New York City

Thursday night at 10:00pm is like the Superbowl of reality tv. Especially coming off of last weeks ridiculous episode..I could crack into this moment by moment, but I want to hit on just the trends that are worth talking about this episode.

• CRAZIES

1. Kelly Bensimone: this woman defines crazy, to a whole new level. She makes even the craziest of nutcases seem some what normal, and sane. After her dramatic rampage last episode, she finally gained some sense (im attributing it to the jellybeans) to vote herself off the island, and allow the final bystanders to breathe again.
2. Jill Zarin, with sidekick Bobby Zarin: ultimatley it was the surprise from hell. Her entrance into the island compound was scary, intense, pitchy vocals, and just down and out wrong. Every person looked as though they saw a ghost - causing for some to cry, mumble, shake, stop breathing - resulting in a dramatic plane charter and Jill/Bob-o to jet off to St. Barths.

• STYLE

1. Simon (Alex's husband): Although we weren't fortunate enough to see this dime piece alot of the episode, his colonel sanders outfit has permanently engraved itself into my brain. I haven't seen a necktie like the one he was wearing since the Civil War fieldtrip I took to Gettysburg in 8th grade.
2. Alex: She is part of the Monster Mash crew, I'm convinced. She looks like Frankenstein.
3. Sonjya: Always is wearing some sort of bouffant in her hair. She reminds me a lot of a combonation of Lisa and Marge Simpson. I couldn't help but take note of the fact that she needed a higher SPF while on vacation - the final night, she looked a tad sun swollen and looked as though she shmeared vaseline on her face.
4. Jill Zarin: another shout out to Jill - and her ice skating ensemble. It had to be a size 8 in childrens, it could have fit an American Girl Doll. Not her best look, or choice, just all in all a disaster of massive proportions.
5. Ramona: the scrunchie and ice queen outfit at the skating party - need I elaborate any further.

• MALE GENITALIA TALK (which was a result of the awkward sexual devices given in the impromptu "bridal shower" including pearl handcuffs, and Swarovski crystal hand ties..awk-WEIRD)

1. "I don't want dumbo with a huge package"- Bethenny, after hearing Sonyja, who has proved herself to be a straight nymphomaniac, saying that ears contribute to the size of a man's package
2. "It's not the size of the boat, its the motion of the ocean"- Alex, thus clearly solidifying in my mind, that her husband, Simon does in deed have a baby dick

Moral of the episode: all parties in every universe think Kelly is a NUTBALL.

Couple of the Year

If this isn't the poster couple for true love and devotion, then I don't know what is. From really appreciating the finer things in life, and modesty - truly, this is something I strive for. They always say that your spouse will bring out the best in you, and if we break it down - we can see all the amazing, positive changes that Speidi have brought to one another and also our culture, society and universe as a whole.

Spencer Pratt

MY parents would personally be thrilled if I were to bring a man home like this. He is the most level-headed, positive, accepting husband, brother and son. He is truly a renaissance man. Outside of his ability to grow the fiercest flesh colored beard, nothing turns me on more than his love for the finer things in life: ala wrists full of bangles, crystals, dialated pupils, convulsive sweating and outrageous anger spirts, slamming doors, deep thoughts & overall just such a handsome fella.

Heidi Montag Pratt

I think her hubby said it best when he told Kristen Cavallari that Heidi: "writes poetry, pets puppies, prays, and reads books". Oops, I just think he left out some of Heidi's better assets: much like her modest improvements to her body, nothing looks better on a 24-year old fresh woman like a nice set of G (almost "H" for Heidi!) breast implants, and a face that wouldn't move with hurricane force winds. That's what I love about Heidi, she's modest and really knows how to blend in the background: like wearing a hot pink Herve bandage dress with her sweater puppies just hanging out for Brody and co. to be smacked in the face with, or wearing 8/10 fingers with diamond rings, or my personal favorite: a modest birthday party thrown for the 7 year old neighbor..which turned out to be another excuse for crystal convos, booze drinking, and G-titty explosion. Sidenote: for those who have never seen "Lion Woman", I give Heidi 3-4 years before she looks like this dime piece.

I salute you Heidi and Spencer.

A Blast from the Past: Housewives of OC, Spotlight on Alexis and her Dopey Husband Jim

There was a mini-marathon of the Housewives of Orange County on this morning. Of course, naturally, I tuned in with my whole heart & soul. I could type a novel on each character/episode/etc. but, in a quick moment, I want to focus on the most annoying couple that has graced OC: Alexis Bellino, and her hubby Jim.

Following are the reasons why they REALLY annoyed me today:

• Jim is unattractive. He thinks he is David Beckham handsome, with the morals of ghandi, the preaching abilities of Dr. Phil, and the book smarts of Einstein. HOWEVER- he looks like a washed up guido cowboy, dresses like a weiner (like cool beanie hats and Affliction-esque tshirts) advice that seems mumble/jumble in a crazy blender, and a strong controlling hold on his wife like krazy glue. YECH.
• Alexis might be a robot? Like there are times where I think Jimbo is controlling her with a remote..like a real-life Tamagotchi. She is sweet, don't get me wrong, but the constant trying to mend the seams in peoples' relationships, the boobs, the lips, the tan, the outfits, the mid-afternoon updos. Its just all rather, nauseating.
• Final point: I really do wish they would stop color coordinating outfits..I thought that is really only what 80-year old square dancing couples do.

The Bachlorette..better late then never!

So, it took me a couple nightmares and brainwashing to get over what I witnessed on Monday night. The countless painful moments that were witnessed of these 25 bachelors (and it is clear why 23/25 are still bachelors) were nonstop...some of my favorite, stand-out, sheer pee your pants laughing, crawl into a corner and cry moments are as follows:

• I first thought Frank from Chicago was cute. He has the dorky, trendy horn rimmed glasses and seems to be a light hearted guy that is following his passion - although, that passion took him back to his parents home to write screen plays..at 30 years old.
• Justin, "Rated-R" the wrestler from Canada..well he certainly is playing the gimp role well, hobbling in with crutches. In the first scene, I was convinced he was missing his big toe..hence the foot cast, but that was wrong.
• I kinda think Craig M...the one with the McDreamy hair, as McDouchey as he is, is a fox.
• Jay, the creepy "lawyer" from Illinois did NOT rub me the right way. His fake courtroom scene in the beginning was him clearly trying to imitate the scenes that he watched in Law & Order, he had a bad back comb hairstyle, a face that looks like its made out of play-doh, and the personality of a plaster wall. Thank GOD he got the boot
• Then, theres Derek, the Shooter. I don't have much to say about this, because he made me so UNCOMF talking about his "shooter" experience that im just happy that he said sayonara
• Kyle, the outdoorsman from Colorado. Were you raised by a pact of grizzlies in the mountains? I think that is clearly the vibe he was giving off, by showing his home filled with taxidermy, a curly-que greasy hairstyle, and the initial introduction to Allie equipped with the bad "reel-her-in" move.
• Hunter and his ukulele.

But, then admist..there was my favorite (please pick up some heavy blogworthy sarcasm) the one that made me laugh more than not - mind you, he did receive a rose..so I am looking forward to more moments and more knee slapping laughs with my favorite, bubble boy himself: KASEY

• For those that forgot about dear old Kasey, the 27 Ad-Exec from Fresno, let me refresh your memory. He speaks like he has a bubble/frog/foam in his throat. When I say that I really struggled, I really struggled to understand what he was mumbling. Now, all he needed to do was take a hard sip of water, or clear his throat. I don't know if this is a sick cry for attention from Allie, or if he is trying to sound like he is broadcasting himself from 10,000 leagues under the sea..he needs to fix this stat, for his sake. But, for my sake - I enjoyed it immensely, got some solid laughs, so thanks Kase!

Moral of the episode:

1. People are so awkward when they are first meeting someone, that is a potential romantic endeavor. The times that the "kinda lean in for a cheek kiss", "hand shake/hug/pull away/back up" "hey, how are ya's"..just really not natural, really uncomfortable, and just down and out ugly.
2. Allie needs to control the volume and excitement factor. She's cute, really just a down to earth girl lookin' for love - but the shouting/screaming, over excited laughter, and mega-watt smile 24/7 was a littttle over the top
3. Allie needs to learn to style extensions. They were looking more like pre-cooked spaghetti noodles then goldilocks
4. I have to say, I am looking forward to this season. It will for sure provide some good laughs, tons of complete UNCOMF moments, and probably make me think that my dating life and some of the suitable bachelors in my world, just ain't too damn bad!

Tuesday Night: The Hills

The Hills

• Brody loves being single..he told Kristen, literally 4 times in the first 2 minutes
• Ryan Cabrera is such a D-list has been. He is in desperate need of a makeover..the Sonic the Hedgehog hair, bangles, and painted on jeans look has gots to go. Even worse, the candy thong comment. I want to D-I-E.
• I don't understand the following relationships: Lo and Stephanie Pratt (yes, we know your sober..we've known since you passed rehab), and Kristen and Audrina (hmm..Justin Bobby & Brody drama). The chemistry is non existent and only there for the cameras
• Kristen is a straight psy-cho, calling Brody while on a date, with a girl that is prettier than Kristen (resembles Jade, minus the weird lazy eye). I hope Brody wears protection, baby boy has more sex than Zach Morris circa Saved by the Bell.
• Why do the friends always have to recount history? Much like the scene with the Brodster and his old buddy with a full curly bun..all while golfing in skater gear (jeans, non-collared and backwards trucker hats..what CC is this at?)
• Finding out all the neccesary tidbits about dating a guy with Audrina and Stephanie, #1) Does he have a car? #2) Does he have a job? How ass backwards can one be?
• No hugs for Kristen Cavallari to Brods in the club.., and how long have Brody and Mickela been dating, a whole 30 minutes? Straight holding hands in the club.

Moral of the Episode: I missed the sheer craziness of Spencer and his flesh colored beard

Monday Night: The Bachelorette, Housewives of Jersey

The Bachelorette

I am afraid to say that I haven't tuned into a Bachelor(ette) Season, religiously, since college - when it was that dweeby Southerner that had a twin brother. I did watch the Bachelor reunion with Vienna, and took note of how PAINFULLY cheesy the whole ordeal was with the live performance, and also Vienna, who's eyes couldn't be more on top of eachother, had nails that looked like pistachios. I am pretty stoked to get into this season, now with GG being done, this has replaced the Monday night 9pm spot. Season premieres with shows like this are always so over the top with the widest mix of men ever. I can't wait to take note of bad outfits, even worse jokes, and the over exaggerated men trying to impress the new Bachlorette.

The Housewives of New Jersey

Housewives of Jersey is beyond entertaining. I have so many thoughts and opinions on the cast, that I don't even know where to begin.

• Dina: love her. She's so pretty and just a nice, reserved woman. She has the ugliest f'ing cats I've ever seen - her house is so over the top and gaudy, but shes fab.
• Caroline: BAD-ASS. She's a hoot, tells it like it is. I think she's the boss, and I love her family dynamic. I personally think, and have been grilled, that Albie is a FOX.
• Jaclyn: bores the shit out of me. Watching grass grow would be more entertaining. She's nice, don't get me wrong, but just annoys me - from her passive attitude, and her relationship with her daughter.
• Teresa: her, her husband, and her children make the show. She is phenomenal. Beyond entertaining, over the top, and a hoot and a half. Her daughter Gia is a diva, and I want to bottle her up and take her with me at all times - hilarious.
• Danielle: baby girl has isssssues. She has revamped her image with some hair extensions, but still is the "prostitution whore" (thank you Teresa) from last season. I can't stand her trying to patch up relationships, and how she treats her poor daughters..everything bugs.

This is quality entertainment. 60-minutes of housewives from Jersey going about their days, and all the god damn amazing drama that is associated. Love the bad outfits, tacky interior decorating, and solid one-liners between this phenomenal crew.

Pretty Wild.

Starting with the good dirt already, court. Looks like justice is about to be served. I hope that the 6-months will make Alexis stop talking like a baby. I don't understand that voice, I personally, would rather sound like a tranny then put on a cutesy baby voice. I have never seen people cry more in my whole entire life, they take "cry me a river" to a new point. Gabby needs some under eye concealer, she is looking alot like a character from the Grunge. Alexis is depressed and so emo, and now taking Xanax like Pez Candy. Everything turns into a screaming match, tears, yelling, hitting. They handle stressful situations really well. Andrea, the mom, is such a belligerent weirdo. Alexis, in her hoarder style room, is now being compared to Anna Nicole Smith. And, so we flash forward to a coffee house style "intervention", and Tess and Alexis pinky promised that they would be the best sisters for each other, and they would take care of each other..all while in tears. So then we flash back to Alexis, hanging with Gabby (clearly the least favorite sister..odd man out always) to find out Orlando Bloom would testify, and both parties cry. Game over Alexis, 180 days in county jail..that is no vacay girlfriend. The chach ball group hug at the end of the episode..and so it is. Have fun in jail babe, hope your pole dancing skills don't get rusty.

Sidenote- Tess scores the swimsuit modeling gig. Good, another chance for her to flaunt in barely there bikinis and run around in front of a camera. Her dream.

Basketball Wives

Another episode, more drama, more drinks being thrown, more tears, and of course more women being in one way involved with an NBA star. Starting off the episode with Eric is discouraging. He bothers me. I just can't get past his full ,mouth of over sized teeth, and his dense approach to the relationship with Jen. I think its going to take more than a mimosa and omelet to patch up this awkward and painful relationship. Later we find out the non-shocking "4% of NBA couples stay together" - Jen..take serious note, please say goodbye to Choppers.

Of course there is the continued drama with Evelyn and a stalker. Some random woman sending and posting garbage about her and her daughter online. After hiring a PI, it was time to rally the ladies and get a trip to LA. Of course a cooking class has to be had upon the arrival, the Seductive Sangria has Suzie talking about how it gets her 'w--'..making everyone around her grossed out, and viewers feeling uncomfortable in their own skin. The final part of the cooking class had to be a wrap sheet of talking some good old fashioned trash talk - Gloria, being the chosen subject, and whether her sister boned Shaq (all while in front of his ex).

Waiting until the final 8-minutes for the dirt was well worth it. The meeting with Vanessa, the alleged stalker, and close friend to Suzie was phenom. Evelyn was looking more pissed than ever: veins popping from her forehead, and the most intense gum chewing I have ever seen. After jumping down Vanessa's throat, and some un-phased 'its not me', we had 2 drinks, a styrafoam cup and some papers violently thrown at Vanessa. Moral of the episode: would I mess with Evelyn, NO.

I also took some serious note that in order to be a basketball wife: large, dangly, over the top earrings are needed at all times. Earlobes of steel are needed for these ladies.

Sunday Night Line Up, Pre-Show Thoughts & Predictions: Basketball Wives, Pretty Wild

Basketball Wives

The drama of being married, dating, sleeping with an NBA'er..or being on the dance team, ala Royce. So far we've seen and been there for the good, the bad and just the down and out ugly. Experiencing the violent drink throwing, some serious shopping, accusations of some being more slutty than others, relationship ups and downs (in the love and friend department) and some over accessorized outfits on-top of big fake hair and even bigger egos. Leaving off of last weeks' episode with the charity benefit, and poor Evelyn getting beyond blacked out sloppy messy. And, seriously: Eric and Jen..baby girl move on, he is about as exciting and interesting as a brick wall.

Predictions: I am feeling some sort of brawl will take place...so much scandal with who's sleeping with who, who's supposed to & who's not. DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA!

Pretty Wild

Yes - yes it is just that: Pretty Wild. I have been addicted from minute one. The whole intrigue of being famous for NOT being famous is above and beyond what is going on here. The 3 sisters from hell, and a mother that is loopier than a roller coaster makes up this brood of the most dramatic out of control weirdos on E!. Like, the whole bullshit of home schooling based off "The Secret"..let's be serious now. All three girls, one with bigger boobs than the next, loves to just get naked and be slutty infront of whoever is around, including their mother, and if you have a penis - you are in like flint. I didn't know that pole dancing has become a staple in raising children. Still blowing my mind, is the scene from last week, that Tess was just in a full naked showdown with her mother..rubbing soap on her boobs and making pouty faces to her as she snapped away on a digital camera. Weird, well 99.9% of the human population would say so. Alexis has her man in from Cabo that she met and hung out with for a whole 45 minutes..it was painful, and clearly the minute he hit it he QUIT it. Can't wait to see what happens tonight..

Predictions: Tess and her weird, probably stinky, grungy boyfriend just in love love love. Alexis, 2 words: YOU'RE GUILTY. jail..have fun. SO MANY TEARS I can't breathe..and of course so much cleavage and awkward baby voices. And so it is..