ADIOS RYAN

Ryannasourus Rex, the real life earthworm with a bad blond wispy comb over, finally bid New Orleans adieu. Before leaving though, the AJ look alike (from Aly & AJ) he had to have his brother and cousin to town. I wish I could refer to them by name, but I can't...because for those of you who didn't tune into it, they only referred to themselves as 'brother' and 'cousin'. I felt like I was watching the Real Life Bearenstein Bears. It was very vintage however - reiterating the scene of Full House with Nicky and Alex, uncle 'player' Jesse's twins, and how they would only call eachother 'brother'.

It was a dramatic good bye. The roommates more or less Bad Girls Club'd Ryan right out of the house. He stormed out of the house in his spray painted on jeans in his manorexic body stature and hopped into a Range Rover to flick off the terrible cast of people.

Moral of the Episode: Ryan, you were entertaining. I can't wait to see you on the reunion show, and I put serious money down that you (along with fake accent Jemmye and oversized child with chicklet teeth Knight) will be on a challenge show...until you 42 years old.

Battle of the Performances

Really have to pull out the big guns for live television. You figure someone is very confident in their performance abilities when they take the plunge of signing up to sing live. Singing is one thing, but to throw the dancing into the mix, is confidence on steroids.

Who better to make this fact known than Jersey's finest prostitution whore: Danielle Staub. Now since Danielle is pulling a Linds Lohan and dabbling in the female pond, she has found her partner in sex and music, Lori Michaels. Lori resembles the Countess and Kat Von Dee in lesbian form. The two classy ladies debuted their single, "Close to You" on the wrap up show with Andy Cohen. Once was enough. It was fingernails down the gay chalkboard..too many eyelashes, too many gyrations on the piano bench, and too much Danielle. The song is horrible. It is Barbara Streisand gone bad.

To make this shit storm worse, Danielle decided to perform it on live tv. Due to the fact that the single is so popular and good, she was asked to perform on Channel 11, a local news station in the dirty Jerz. To add a little oomph to this balad, they performed the remix. A real club jam. Please watch..now..I can't promise that your computer won't explode, or that you will feel nauseous, tears/laughter is a normal reaction..

The opening introduction scene sets off the whole vibe of the performance. Looking in the back at the dancers, all male, in their rolled jean/beater/combat boot ensemble, you can tell that they are going to be quality. I think the last time majority of them performed was for a local community talent show to Daddy Yankee's Gasolina. Please take note of the male in the front of the triangle, he clearly is suffering from body issues, he is hunching over to do the skinny arm/waist to the extreme. The opening solo dance scenes from the male dancers are above and beyond. A spin on Darren's dance grooves. Alot of body contorting, the snake, spirit faces...just when you THINK a human couldn't go to infinity and beyond..THEY DO...and they HIT IT, the DIRTY DANCING lift. Sweatband does a running start on the makeshift 5x5 stage to his partner a mere 30-inches away and LANDS it! Split spin in the air, graceful as a midget trying to reach the highest cabinet in the kitchen.

After wiping the tears of blood from my eyes, Danielle comes out from the bad romance novel white sheer drapes to reveal a microphone in hand and a seductive grin on her face. The addictive dance groove beat clearly makes the trio of dancers break out into hip sways, and

Danielle positions herself in the middle, completing the quartet of talent, to do the painful 40+ year old step touch. The dancers break out into their "in a garage with a boombox" coregraphed moves..making sure to continue to the swaying, crotch grabs, and pointing. Very '95 fellas!

As the break into the four person grind fest, we are able to take a look at these juice head hunks in the up close and personal. My personal fave, is the chin strap, steroid injecting, sweaty, necklace wearing, "I live in my parents basement" dancer on stage right. His dance moves are a tad off beat, much like his taste in CVS aerosol cologne.

While waiting for Lori Michaels to emerge for the continued stellar award winning performance, I noticed that Ru-Paul has taken an interest in Danielle. Although Danielle doesn't have a penis, this male dancer..petite and makeup wearing, likes to grind his thing all up on her. Danielle's Mafia then lifts her into the air for a 3-person spin as Lori comes out. The dance moves and singing gets no better with Lori Dykeaels comes on stage..big boy likes Lori, sweatband likes Danielle, and Ru-Paul teases the camera with his "back that ass up" type of dance moves. Then the ladies reconvene in the center, and after a quick crotch and breast check from Ru-Paul, Danielle removes herself from the spotlight for the climax of the performance: LORI MICHAELS DANCE SOLO. Move over Britney Spears, Lori's kicking in her combat boots and "bye bye bye" fist pumping is the perfect way to end the performance.

Moral of the Story: you can see why you would be proud of a performance like that. Mazel ladies, you just beat out "Money Can't buy you Class"

Main Course..

You Learn Something NEW EVERYDAY....

....and in this case, KASEY KAHL HAS A BAND. And apparently, he dabbles in heavy metal..all while wearing a popped collar and overly highlighted hair. But, I don't think that people heard him in the beginning to "get up" and "come on". His dancing is almost as good as his singing. You can see how large the crowd is that came to watch him perform. The sound quality is phenomenal, and I can't even imagine the amount of money they spent on the high tech lighting and dry ice going on behind Mr. Kahl and his American Eagle button down. My favorite is the painful screaming in the end.

If someone can tell me a total of 5 lyrics in this song, I will give you a million dollars.

Appetizer before the MAIN KASEY COURSE

I am friends with Kasey Kahl on facebook. My blog is pretty much a tribute to this amphibian, which whom I thought was hearing impaired for the first 3 weeks of the Bachelorette. I was wrong. I just wasn't aware that he had a dairy farm on his voice box..little elves working daily to rotate the butter, cream cheese, cheesecake, or thick frothy yogurt that coats the back of our friend's throat.

Some highlights I found from Kasey's page...including my favorite pictures and status updates:

August 24, 5:31pm;

Kasey Kahl I think next season of bach pad should be a correlation of just the boys from season 6? :) Ty Brown, Chris Lambton, Craig Robinson, Tyler Vermette, Kirk DeWint, and myself. Then we can just pick the girls, lol. Entertainment?

1) Kasey, when did you become such bro's with everyone outside of Craig R? 2) Cool slang, ie: "bach pad" 3) "Then we can just pick the girls, lol"..so many things wrong with this, I don't know where to begin. First Kasey, it should be women. I know that most females over the age of 16 don't go for the 24/7 bubble in the throat male like you, but you could and should go to jail for this. Secondly, "lol"..really? 4) Craig R. gave his oversized midget self a shot on the "bach pad" and got voted off. Second time isn't always a charm, Kase.

August 23, 2:21am;

Kasey Kahl Just realized my unrealized potential. Have you?

What do you MEAN unrealized potential? Clearing your throat? Growing out your flat top hair cut? Giving up your singing career? ..Please explain. But, I am a little scared that this realization came at 2:21 in the morning on a Monday..sounds like Mr. Kahl was busy listening to R.Kelly watching illegal websites. Gross.

Worst Blogger EVA.

I nominate myself. I don't think I've touched this thing since 1998 (thats what she said..HAHA)

So, let's recap what I've missed..and let's look forward to NEW FALL TV that will be blogged about. I have missed some prime time opportunities to post about the most annoying, over the top, absurd and just flat out WRONG moments on tv..but am excited to say that the DVR is all revved up and ready to explode with the amount of tv shows that are programmed to be recorded on the daily.

TV RECAP HIGHLIGHTS

• The Hills: DONE. Weird. But, things still remain the same: Brody is a tool, Kristen's a bitch, and Audrina is constantly staring at the ceiling.
• Real Housewives of New Jersey: Dina's gone, Danielle has a bald spot and is a little weaveless thanks to the hair pull heard around the world, Kim G is still trying so hard to become the next Housewife (good luck Donald Trump look alike) Caroline and the whole Manzo crew take the boss cake, and Teresa is more fiesty and bankrupt than ever
• Bad Girls Club Miami: bitches be crazy - they have all proved the point that they are "bad girls". Dealing with too many moments from angry, drunk girls that like knee high athletic socks, tattoos, late night Taco Bell, screaming, punching eachother, and bad choppy hair
• Rachel Zoe: TAY is gone, Brad is Brad-ass, RZ is rexic, and Rodger is still trying to prove to people that he's straight
• Real World: Jemmye is still pretending she's Southern, Knight looks like an oversized chubby 9-year old boy, Ryan still looks like an earthworm in a wig
• Teen Mom: Gary dressed up as the Easter Bunny...a sweaty, furry, oversized bunny that would most likely pop up on How To Catch a Predator. Maci has a new boyfriend that looks like Sloth from the Goonies, and he kissed Bentley on the lips after meeting him for 15 minutes..uncomf? Well, yes I'd say so.
• Jersey Shore: Ronnie is the horniest alcoholic I've ever met, Snooki is unreal, Sammi is annoying and is a broken record talking about the Ronerator, Situation is HAWT, JWow's boobs hit me in the face each episode, Angelina- who are you?
• Bachelorette: Ali chose Roberto, no shocker there. He had her from the spandex Lion King routine that Weatherman was salivating over.
• Bachelor Pad: tears, hook ups, and Weatherman getting more ass in the kissing competition than he has in his 31 years of life.

Moral of the Story: i've been lazy..but baby girl is back on the scene! Reality tv ON!

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ConFRATulations Mr. Jenner, you are the biggest tool at camp

Brody Jenner is hot. SMOKING hot, hot, hot. But his fierce looks are completely and utterly downplayed by his douchey tool bag personality. Each season, and each episode Mr. Jenner proceeds to play more and more with the homo-dust, thus resulting in a poor attempt at being the bro of all bro's. The following reoccurring incidents have given Brody this title:

1. Mansquad: Brody is rolling with atleast 3-4 bros/brahs at a time - and constantly piggy backing with Frankie
2. Toasts: Brody LOVES toasting to all occasions - the toasts are long, drawn out, and always talking about getting drunk and having fun..nothing wrong with this the first shot of the night, on a special occasion, but when its happened 11 times earlier in the previous hour, you want your ears to stop working
3. Immense collection of beaters and beanies: rain, sun, sleet, hail, heat, snow - nothing can stop the Brodster from rocking these two staple items.
4. "Surfer": now, I have never witnessed Brody ACTUALLY catching a wave - it's always him in some sort of board-short/quicksilver apparel laying on the beach with his board. I could pretend to be a surfer too, but does that mean I could actually surf, NO.
5. Vocabulary: his words are always drawn out, and include the likes of: rad, dude, brah, bro, chick..all things that went out with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
6. Constant deep convos: always trying to play Dr. Phil - the crew could be having the time of their lives, and he wants to break it down about his deep friendship or love for the person. You would have to have constant ear plugs or kleenex attached to the hip when around the Brodster.
7. Shots: Brody LOVES shots...hot pink, neon blue, on fire, straight plain - this boy wants to get weird with a quick fix and throwback of hard liquor
8. Frattoos: Brods love tats..anything that is a Chinese or religious symbol, game over.
9. Avril Lavigne: this is the icing on the cake for me...like really Brody? One of her hit songs was "Sk8r Boy", she thinks skulls and striped socks make her a rebel, and you are the guy from Sum41's sloppy seconds. WA-HOOF.

Well Brody, your face is tight..but the rest of you AINT right!

But please know if you do ever meet me, and ask me on a date, I will oblige - and probably make out with you and love on you, and then just love you. But, we'll cross that bridge when we get there babay...

Frank raided Urban Outfitters Childrens Section

Frank, the creepy stalker cant breathe cant sleep cant blink without Allie, was looking rather hipster on Monday's episode. I couldn't help but notice the outfit he was rockin' the eve before his big one-on-one date with Allie. The shrunken wife beater, little boys cardigan, female boyfriend destroyed jeans, and tortoise readers were looking mighty tight on his slight figure. Let's not forget his thumb ring though, he is turning out to be a real trend setter!

To achieve this look - you can piece it together from the following:

• Ribbed Tank: pack of 3 little-boys Hanes Ribbed Tank, $4.90
• Cardigan: LL Bean, boys section, $34.99
• Jeans: J.Crew Female "Boyfriend Jeans" $79.50
• Thumb Ring: Claire's, $5.00

Frank does have a role model in life: Ducky, from Pretty in Pink.

Bye Bye Kasey, HELLO Oil Wrestling

What better way to send off Rated R than to have the remaining bachelors oil wrestle in Turkey? Alli got super stoked as the lucky gentlemen from the group date stripped down to the tightest black jeans known to man, and oiled up their bodies for a good old fashioned boink fest. As if wrestling the Turkish men weren't enough, Allie then proceeded to watch the boys pile drive eachother while covered in oil. The fearless men squirmed on the floor as they grunted in hope to win a solo date with Allie, to prove to her that the homo-erotic scene wasn't anything that would be a regular in their potential relationship.

Craig R, the oversized midget, somehow managed to beat out Roberto even though Craig found it necessary to point out the fact that: "Roberto's a really good oil wrestler". And, you would know because either...

1. Roberto has a secret in the house and oil wrestles on the regular
2. Craig noticed Roberto's strong formations while juiced up in oil
3. Craig has wrestled a many men while covered in a slippery substance

Regardless of the fact, Baby Huey Craig, won the challenge and proceeded to have a very romantic friend zone date with Allie. His hair was more receded than ever, and his Tyrannosaurus Rex body was hoping and wishing for a chance to swap some saliva with the Bachelorette, but unfortunately nothing of the sorts came to be. We had to wave bye to Craig, as he whimpered in the car ride home, but he should be excited - now ranking as the bachelor with the man on man oil wrestling skills, his resume has just bulked up! And, on a nice note, Craig can return home to the Roloff family to see his mom, dad, brother Zach and the rest of the crew!

Can't wait to see what the next group date challenge is..I'm guessing something along the lines of the Bachelors fishing a gummy bear out of the other Bachelors assholes, by mouth!

I am facebook friends with THE Coerte!

It's official. Officially fucking amazing. THE Coerte V.W. Felske has accepted my plea to be friends with him on facebook. And by plea, I mean he confirmed me simply because I have female genitalia, I am sure. After looking at all of his pictures on the book, I have compiled the following as my favorites with some feedback on each shot.

1.) Coerte Dracula. He must love Twilight. I didn't know that red vampire velvet capes were so in style? Love the wispy bird swoop bang, and of course the constant hair sweater he wears and shows off to us all with a very low unbuttoned shirt. Teasing us constantly with a couple leather braided necklaces. And LOVE the belt buckle Coerte - is it from A&F?

2.) Wheres Waldo? After getting past the grizzly bear in the newsboy cap in the front, peer to the back left corner to find our lovable school boy himself. His boat neck striped shirt from the women's section at J.Crew looks smashing on him. I see he is rocking the updated Justin Bieber 'do - a mix of amish boy class with teen sensation sass! Looks like a bitchin party, with solo cups and all.

3.) Diddy's White Party. Either Coerte took one too many tylenol pm's, or he is just being creepy for the whole crowd to see. Resting his head on his suitors shoulder, looking like he's ready to nose dive into her bussum, Coerte is rocking white like a straight pimp. I love the crimp curl in his hair - I bet he used some Bumble and Bumble salt spray to achieve the Captain Ron look. I hope this party was before Labor Day Coerte!

Who would have ever thought that this 43-year old erotic novelist would have had such an impact on my life. Party on Coerte!

Dan-HO, this is a Dan-NO..

My awkward and open hate for Danielle Staub from RHNJ has hit a new ultimate HIGH. She is now, also, following suit of housewife turned singer - and had a go on the piano and vocals last night with lesbian Lori Michaels, singing "Real Close" a "tortured love song". AHHHHH WOOF.

Attention whore and just plain old whore Danielle sat on Lori's lap post performance, wanting society to ask now if she swings both ways and is pulling a Lilo/SaMAN scandal. She was stroking Lori's hair and making really awkward sexy voice and gestures - I wonder how her protector Danny feels about this?

Anyways - watch the performance. Danielle is trying to be so dramatic. Her eyelashes look like spider legs, and her nose is looking ever more bulbus than ever. I don't know what audience the ladies are trying to reach to -this song has as much appeal as a steaming hot bowl of chilli on a 95 degree day poolside in July. Danielle sounds like Barbara Streisand.

Order of favorite housewife songs: 1) LuAnimal, 2) Kimmy Pie, 3) Dan-HO

Season Shocker! Chris N. goes HOME?!?!

The only time I spoke of this bachelor was last week. The only reason I did is because when Allie called him to receive a rose, I stopped dead in my tracks, and wondered who this person was that was on the show.

Five weeks and Chris N went under the radar..without a word. He is the awkward, Amish looking, 29-year old Orlando native that came on the show to try and win Allie, all while being mute. He should have tried out for the mime version of the Bachelorette, his chances of winning would have been much stronger. In his free-time this uncomfortably quiet robot enjoys: soccer, surfing, wake boarding, golf, fishing and video games. All perfect hobbies because they require no talking. When asked what he would bring to a deserted island, this introverted silent type replied with: mixed bag of veggie fruit seeds, water purifier and his wife. WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THIS - this would be acceptable if you were a BIRD, and even at that, a bird would probably bring a radio or something a little less scratch your eyes out boring, dull and wrong.

For those of you that never noticed Chris N., no need to worry, because I also didn't. I paid pretty close attention to Mr. Observant in last nights' episode, and his final moments in the house. Stand out moments include: the awkward lochness monster creeping in the spring in Iceland..pretty much just keeping his nose above water to breathe. The uncomfortable head bobbing that went on when they zoomed on him during the group date - his battery life must have been running low, time to charge him up!

My all time favorite however was the final minutes of the episode, when Chris, after 6 weeks, had his first conversation with Allie....ever. He wowed her with his ability to think on his feet and make her feel comfortable. "I'm really funny" he said, as they sat a good 15 feet apart. When Allie asked his guilty pleasure, "Mexican Food"-Chris said looking petrified that he spoke more than 10 words. Creepy Frank who didn't blink once during the time that Allie was out of the room from him, noted that their body language couldn't be any more awkward. Thank you Frank, Helen Keller could have pointed that out. I then proceeded to vomit and have body shakes after witnessing the most awkward, unbearable hug in the history of mankind - either Allie smells like shit or Chris N. has really bad arthritis that prevents him from stretching his arms out; it was a 5 second messy disaster.

We unfortunately had to wave goodbye to everyones favorite silent man. When he didn't recieve a rose he so deeply stated, 'im at a loss for words right now'. Ironic, I think so...

I'll miss you Chris, and im just happy that you realized that stand up comedy, or being a radio/television personality isn't really your gig. Go enjoy your Mexican Food while wearing your favorite polyester suit with a black shirt and icy blue tie. And, thank you for making me realize who to NEVER call if I need advice of things to bring to a deserted island...EVER.

"In my hindsight..I'll see and find a rose"...Maybe next year Kasey..

Moment of silence for Krazy Kasey. I miss him already. It is pretty obvious that he became my vice during the 6-weeks he graced our televisions. He became so much more than Kermit the frog's cousin to me. From his Seal "Kissed by a Rose" singing performance to his magazine sized tattoo on his wrist - all he wanted to do was guard and protect Allie's heart, all while at the same time, having his heart guarded and protected. After Kasey shmeared his voice box with a thick layer of cream cheese the morning of his date with Allie and Rated-R, he was ready and willing to give Allie her ticket to the tattoo show. If Allie was alarmed to the speechless level after the unveiling of Kasey's musical talent, aka sounding like he was singing 20,000 leagues under the sea, then she had no idea that she was about to be smacked-a-tat in the face. As I got into last week, Kasey's tattoo has double meaning...obviously covering the ever so discussed, guarding and protecting of the heart (we GET it already) and then the 11 "studs" for the 11 "studs" on the show. Too bad Weatherman isn't around anymore, I could see Kasey guarding and protecting his heart - while naked in the hot-tub together.

Regardless, Allie see's the tat and clearly freaks as any normal person would in this scenario. She gives the rose to Justin, as it looks like Kasey's eyeballs are going to explode out of his head. She left him at the volcano (im assuming with heavy staff and artillery to prevent frogman himself from catapulting himself into the lava) and watched as he waved the saddest puppy dog wave in the world.

Because he know longer can blossom into a love butterfly and guard and protect our hearts, I am going to recount on a few favorite moments from Krazy Kasey from the 6-delightful weeks that he, his singing, and his buttercream frosted voicebox graced our lives:

1. The tattoo
2. His love for sorbet colored dress shirts - go to favs: mint green, salmon
3. His constant wind-blown red skin tone, it looks like his face is constantly sore
4. His love metaphors: for example, Allie is a butterfly ready to open for love
5. Guarding and Protecting Allie's heart, his future wife's heart, his future boyfriend's heart, his own heart
6. The singing
7. The impromptu song(s) - in which he made up
8. His creepy behavior in the Museum of Natural History: including, but not limited to, pounding on his chest like a gorilla, running like he has a large 2x4 up his asshole, trying to 'scare' Allie
9. The explanation of the tattoo to both the bachelors (which are obv represented) and Allie
10. His cheesecake, cottage cheese, spongy, Kermit the frog voice

Kasey, I love you. If you are the next bachelor, mark my words, I will go on the show. And guard and protect your heart..no, no I won't, but my reaction to your lines, singing, and voice will be classic.

Coerte V. W. Felske

Who is this man of mystery? The wispy haired weirdo that took our dearest Housewife of the Big Apple, LuAnn on a date to the underground sexual restaurant and ordered aphrodisiac cocktails with. If I were her, I would have done some extensive research on this polyester suit wearing creep fest. I would have checked the dark records: aka, How to Catch a Predator. I swear I could picture Cort coming to a 12-year old little girl, or boys house, with a 12'er of Zima, an R.Kelly CD, and a smile that could make a clown cry.

Well, since LuMAN wasn't eager enough to find out the depths of Mr. Felske, I thought I would do some research. Here is what I came across:

1. He is an author, which we already knew. His popular books include: The Millenium Girl, The Shallow Man, Word, Scandolocity, Famegirl. They are classified to be erotic stories, moral-free readings if you must.
2. He is 43 years old, lives in NYC, and loves the Hamptons.
3. He has a MYSPACE page. (http://www.myspace.com/168094221)
4. He has a FACEBOOK page
5. He is SINGLE....don't tempt me with a good time

I hope that everyone had the chance to watch the creepy, molester'esque date that Lulu and Corty pants went out on. From his attempt to channel John Travolta in 'Staying Alive' with the white wide open shirt and his wispy baby bird feather hair, I would have been bolting out the door in a matter of seconds. The cool, calm Countess, went along with his sexual drink ordering skills, his attempt to make out with her every second, and of course watch him laugh without vomiting. Funny, as the FEMME FATALE (her drink of choice, aka Roofie Colada from Cort) and his DEAL CLOSER (boy Cort, your discreet) goes down the hatch, these two love birds become like horny 6th graders bumping and grinding at a middle school dance. Making out like awkward goons every 30 seconds.

My roommate and reality tv confidant, Katie, pointed out his laugh. For those who haven't paid close attention, please watch. It looks like he has peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth and finds it necessary to use his tongue as a tool to release it while laughing with a weird head cock and creepy eyebrow raises.

Needless to say, Cort is OUT. But, as LuAnn pointed out - they are still the chummiest of pals, and he recently played tennis with her in the Hamptons. He is better suited handling balls, in my opinion.

Moral of the Story: Creepy Award 2k10 award goes to Cort. But, nice choice LuAnn: MONEY CANT BUY YOU CLASS!

On a serious note: Systematic Bullying

Systematic: characterized by order and planning;

Bullying: the act of intimidating a weaker person to make them do something, a form of abuse.

Nutcase: crazy: someone deranged and possibly dangerous, Nut case is pejorative slang for a person displaying insane, lunatic or eccentric human behaviour, Kelly Bensimone

Whack Job: A complete loon-ball, a crazy person, a nut-job, Kelly Bensimone