ADIOS RYAN

Ryannasourus Rex, the real life earthworm with a bad blond wispy comb over, finally bid New Orleans adieu. Before leaving though, the AJ look alike (from Aly & AJ) he had to have his brother and cousin to town. I wish I could refer to them by name, but I can't...because for those of you who didn't tune into it, they only referred to themselves as 'brother' and 'cousin'. I felt like I was watching the Real Life Bearenstein Bears. It was very vintage however - reiterating the scene of Full House with Nicky and Alex, uncle 'player' Jesse's twins, and how they would only call eachother 'brother'.

It was a dramatic good bye. The roommates more or less Bad Girls Club'd Ryan right out of the house. He stormed out of the house in his spray painted on jeans in his manorexic body stature and hopped into a Range Rover to flick off the terrible cast of people.

Moral of the Episode: Ryan, you were entertaining. I can't wait to see you on the reunion show, and I put serious money down that you (along with fake accent Jemmye and oversized child with chicklet teeth Knight) will be on a challenge show...until you 42 years old.

Battle of the Performances

Really have to pull out the big guns for live television. You figure someone is very confident in their performance abilities when they take the plunge of signing up to sing live. Singing is one thing, but to throw the dancing into the mix, is confidence on steroids.

Who better to make this fact known than Jersey's finest prostitution whore: Danielle Staub. Now since Danielle is pulling a Linds Lohan and dabbling in the female pond, she has found her partner in sex and music, Lori Michaels. Lori resembles the Countess and Kat Von Dee in lesbian form. The two classy ladies debuted their single, "Close to You" on the wrap up show with Andy Cohen. Once was enough. It was fingernails down the gay chalkboard..too many eyelashes, too many gyrations on the piano bench, and too much Danielle. The song is horrible. It is Barbara Streisand gone bad.

To make this shit storm worse, Danielle decided to perform it on live tv. Due to the fact that the single is so popular and good, she was asked to perform on Channel 11, a local news station in the dirty Jerz. To add a little oomph to this balad, they performed the remix. A real club jam. Please watch..now..I can't promise that your computer won't explode, or that you will feel nauseous, tears/laughter is a normal reaction..

The opening introduction scene sets off the whole vibe of the performance. Looking in the back at the dancers, all male, in their rolled jean/beater/combat boot ensemble, you can tell that they are going to be quality. I think the last time majority of them performed was for a local community talent show to Daddy Yankee's Gasolina. Please take note of the male in the front of the triangle, he clearly is suffering from body issues, he is hunching over to do the skinny arm/waist to the extreme. The opening solo dance scenes from the male dancers are above and beyond. A spin on Darren's dance grooves. Alot of body contorting, the snake, spirit faces...just when you THINK a human couldn't go to infinity and beyond..THEY DO...and they HIT IT, the DIRTY DANCING lift. Sweatband does a running start on the makeshift 5x5 stage to his partner a mere 30-inches away and LANDS it! Split spin in the air, graceful as a midget trying to reach the highest cabinet in the kitchen.

After wiping the tears of blood from my eyes, Danielle comes out from the bad romance novel white sheer drapes to reveal a microphone in hand and a seductive grin on her face. The addictive dance groove beat clearly makes the trio of dancers break out into hip sways, and

Danielle positions herself in the middle, completing the quartet of talent, to do the painful 40+ year old step touch. The dancers break out into their "in a garage with a boombox" coregraphed moves..making sure to continue to the swaying, crotch grabs, and pointing. Very '95 fellas!

As the break into the four person grind fest, we are able to take a look at these juice head hunks in the up close and personal. My personal fave, is the chin strap, steroid injecting, sweaty, necklace wearing, "I live in my parents basement" dancer on stage right. His dance moves are a tad off beat, much like his taste in CVS aerosol cologne.

While waiting for Lori Michaels to emerge for the continued stellar award winning performance, I noticed that Ru-Paul has taken an interest in Danielle. Although Danielle doesn't have a penis, this male dancer..petite and makeup wearing, likes to grind his thing all up on her. Danielle's Mafia then lifts her into the air for a 3-person spin as Lori comes out. The dance moves and singing gets no better with Lori Dykeaels comes on stage..big boy likes Lori, sweatband likes Danielle, and Ru-Paul teases the camera with his "back that ass up" type of dance moves. Then the ladies reconvene in the center, and after a quick crotch and breast check from Ru-Paul, Danielle removes herself from the spotlight for the climax of the performance: LORI MICHAELS DANCE SOLO. Move over Britney Spears, Lori's kicking in her combat boots and "bye bye bye" fist pumping is the perfect way to end the performance.

Moral of the Story: you can see why you would be proud of a performance like that. Mazel ladies, you just beat out "Money Can't buy you Class"