I totally forgot another unforgettable Kasey moment

Wah wah..poor wittle Allie was sick. Cry for more attention from the emotional trolls they call bachelors at ABC. Well in attempt to guard and protect her heart and immune system, Kasey brings Allie some Sour Patch Kids. And, low and behold, baby boy with the thick layer of cheesecake stuck in his voice box, got a little hungry while wrapping his tattoo'd wrist, and presented Allie with a HALF EATEN BAG!! Oh, and sidenote: real solid gift there Kasey, what are you in 8th grade, asking her to go steady via "circle yes or no" note while in your moms mini-van on the way to a PG-13 movie?

Keepin it classy Kasey!

Vinny clearly did NOT win the spelling bee..

Of course I follow every member of the Jersey Shore crew on twitter. I woke up to scroll through the previous tweets, and found this from our dear friend Vinny.

VINNYGUADAGNINO

@sn00ki just grabbed an etamamay? from the bowl of discarded string beans that people already sucked on and almost ate it

Etamamay? Aw, that's the cutest retarded puppy dog attempt at spelling I have ever seen. I am going to pose the same question to Vinny, as I did to Jill Zarin after she was calling Ramona, "Ramon-er". VINNY- I have heard of edamame, but WHAT is ETAMAMAY?

God Bless the Jersey Shore

Kate Gosselin: Bad Extensions & Now a DATING Show

What in the HELL has our society come to? First, we are forced to watch the trolls crawl out from under their bridge on The Bachelorette guard and protect our hearts while crying, and now Kate Gosselin, The Goz Monster, have a dating show? Wasn't it bad enough when our televisions exploded when she performed to Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" on Dancing with the Stars?

Well I guess it's time to turn the weird notch up on our tv's, and in our lives. Prepare yourselves bachelors of the 40+ age range, Kate is ready to take on the dating world in full force. I'm not too sure what network will pick this up yet. Obviously, Kate is past the MTV stage, VH1 could be ok...but she's not ghetto or slutty enough to embark on this network, yet..

I'm thinking the greatest contenders to pick up this lousy excuse for a 60-minute time slot, will be: Oxygen, TLC, and ABC. Oxygen rocks the likes of angry women, TLC already has picked up the Goz Monster and Johnny cakes, and clearly ABC has no modesty for casting the goons in our society.

Predictions for the Show: Washed up late 20's (to make Kate feel cougar'ific) to 50 year old bachelors of all shapes and sizes. I am seeing everyone from the self made millionaire, to a struggling one man band that travels to Nashville on a whim. Kate will hands down be more socially awkward and struggling then ever. Her conversations, no doubt, will be filled with over exerted draining emotion, and her extensions will look more spaghetti strand piecey than ever. I'm expecting terrible attempts at lazy Saturday juicy suits, and even worse Dress Barn / J.McClintock get ups for her nights out.

Favorite Expected Parts of the Show: Hometown dates. I can't wait when these ever single men will meet the +8 of Kate Gosselin's life. I can see the children causing terror. I can see the men trying to engage them in a solid, fatherly like figure, and when the cameras go off crying for sweet mercy and getting the fuck out of dodge once they are eliminated. The poor sucker that is stuck with A) Kate as a potential wife, B) Jon as a potential "ex-husband" counter part, and C) 8 tater tots under the age of 10 as his step children; has a long and arduous road ahead of him. BYE BYE Bachelorhood, you just married yourself into KATE +8!

Sidenote: Jon could FO SHO get a show on VH1. I'm not hating, if anything, I'm appreciating. Jon will try and channel the Bret Michaels / Real Chance of Love feel, contracting and giving more STD's than anyone could think was humanely possible.

Ugh, yet another Situation.

So I came clean about thinking the Situation is hot. In a juice head gorilla fist pumping steroid injecting oompa-loompa skin tone fashion. However, I changed my mind. This cocky douche bag has hit the ground running, at full speed, in most likely obnoxious over the top white cross trainers. For those of you who haven't caught the Jersey wind, there is a new situation on board, and this situation rhymes with "rottest rance rub rix" aka "hottest dance club mix".

Clearly, reality tv stars from the ATL to the dirty Jerz think that once they hit their "why am I famous?" famous status, the next logical step, is to produce and sing a hit. All of these hits, however, have a couple things in common:

1. You hate to hate them
2. Thank god for computers and synthesizers drowning out the sheer shit of their vocal abilities
3. You give me something to talk about

So, Mike "The Situation", came out with his new jam, which, is available on ITunes. I listened to the song, a couple times. The popular tone of the song, surprise surprise is, that hot chicks from the club want to sniff his $85 collogne (a step up from the BodMan he was rocking 2 years ago), the girls want to get in his pants, theirs a situation, he drinks patrone, he fist pumps, and he's in a club. YADA..YADA..YADA.

This song BLOWS. And, if im ever in a situation like this with a juice headed Karma situation and not under the influence of a bottle strong of Hypnotic, then pretend theirs an emergency situation and call me to avoid the excessive hair gel, self tanner, and most likely scare of some sort of herpes that would progress.

Moral of THIS Situation: We'z done Mikey!

Crazy Eyes Ramona

Who can forget Ramona's debut cat walk during Brooklyn Fashion Week? Baby girl had crazy eyes going from here to the West Coast. From her robotic walk, to the laser beams that looked like they were going to shoot out of her pupil - one thing is for sure, Ramona needed her IV of Pinot Grigio to relax on the catwalk. Gotta love Ramotional!

Danny: THA Protector

Danny, the newest addition to Danielle's crew, is a 5'2" amish bowl-cutted ex-con that has vowed to protect her (probably while scoring daily beejers) from the "intimidating and murderous" Manzo clan. Chyea. Well, from day one, I have determined that three things in this world got together one night, and after a weird mating, have produced this new staple on the show: Danny. So, therefore Danny wants to thank the following for their sperm donation and cartoon drawings for creating him:

1) John Basedow

2) Master Splinter, from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

3) Dudley Moore

Engage, and then Suggest..Only on the RHNJ

I have never had a more solid and unnaturally awkward hate for a human being in my life than Danielle. So, Danielle had fun on her female empowering stint in last night's episode. Rallying her besties for some classic washed up, fossilized "Sex & The City" type fun.

What better way to embrace how you don't look like the snake from the Jungle Book better than to go to the ever so classy establishment, The Squeeze Lounge, and dance and prance for Danny (the Dudley Moore / John Basedow lookalike) and your ladies!

Highlight #1: Kim G, the slightly balding blond woman, playing both the Manzos and Danielle, merely just for camera time. Clad in booty shorts and over the knee boots, she attempted her go on the pole. After having some awkward butt crack shots, she and her arthritis, had a run at doing a 180 degree spin on the pole. She pop locked and dropped nothing but the waist band of her undies (exposing her crack) and probably popped a couple bones mid-twirl.

Highlight #2: "Engage and then Suggest". Danielle was trying harder than most students do during their SAT's. Danny and co. were bonerific as Danielle humped the pole and showed off her skills from her 80's gig as a "burlesque dancer" (aka prostitution whore). This gave me flashbacks to the tango classes she took with the crew last year..she was the only one trying, to an awkward and uncomfortable level.

ENGAGE & SUGGEST: I suggest to most people watching this particular scene in RHNJ, not to eat a solid 60-minutes before tuning it, because they will engage in throwing up.

Who are you?

No, seriously, Who are you? Have you spoken at all on the show?

Somehow this mute, by the name of Chris, has made it through to the 5th episode on the Bachelorette, without saying one word - no dates, no nothing. He's apparently 29 and is from Orlando, Florida. All I know is that he is constantly rocking a very nervous grin, has wispy feather hair, and his suit/tie combos look like they've come out of a plastic bag from the TJ MAXX sale aisle with a bad polyester suit.

To Guard and Protect Our Hearts

Nice TAT Kasey!

He did not only woo us with his voice and lyrically talent, but also with his artistic sense. By tricking all of those 11 bachelors on the show that he was burned, our favorite Frog went and got a tattoo. A nice, modest, and deep rooted tattoo, on his inner wrist. And what of? Nothing else but a shield, a heart, and 11 gems on the shield to represent the other 11 bachelors on the show.

What does this mean?

A) The tattoo has double meaning: it's for Allie, and also for men? ..Does that mean your bi, Kasey?

B) The inner wrist tattoo on a male is really such a masculine turn-on. I couldn't think of a better place for a male to get a tat...clearly going along with Kasey's train of thought, he probably contemplated the other options: lower back, pelvic bone, or outer ankle

C) He want's to "guard and protect her heart" while having his also, guarded and protected.

The count of "Guarding and Protecting", +/- 2, but 15 times. Kasey is having identity crisis. One minute he wants to be Hamlet, then Nick Carter from the BSB, a green muppet by the name of Kermit, Mel Gibson from Braveheart. All in all, however, Kasey got a rose.

Moral of Kasey: he at times sounds like Shakira & he runs like a penguin. Guard and protect, on!

Move over Justin Bieber..

All Aboard the KRAZY Train...It's about time that Kasey finally had a date on this show. I have been watching for four solid weeks for this moment in entertainment history.

Some have pawned him to be the psycho one. When he continues to state that all he wants to do is "guard and protect her heart" every 30-45 seconds, on average, some would say that that is a very valid pawn. As we all know by now, he in my opinion, has made the show. With his perma-bubble in his throat, love for sappy romantic metaphors (ala, "Allie has turned into a butterfly looking for love", or "I need someone to guard and protect my heart, just like I want to do for Allie"), and of course love for pastel button downs - the ever so popular mint green, and tonight a salmonly rose colored. Kasey truly has become the X-FACTOR.

The solo date begins with a helicopter ride. The helicopter ride leads to some champagne in a field. The champagne leads to song #1 of the night. It was an impromptu song, that Kasey knew was right just for that moment as the sun was setting, 'here it comes', he bubbly says, 'here's my moment'

When I was flying in the helicopter

over this amazing city..

I looked to my left and never saw something so pretty

At the end of tonight

I'm not just your average Joe

but I hope in my hindsight

I'll see and find a rose

Kasey, was that a haiku? He left Allie speechless...literally, she had no words. After an awkward laugh off, the two trotted over to the American Museum of Natural History for a continuation of the queerest date in show history.

The museum was dark, and all that they had were flashlights, and Kasey's awkward 'woo hoo''s echoing throughout the halls. Allie was sprinting, not in a 'oh this is so fun' sort of way, but probably more in a 'please get me away from this marionette with the Kermit the frog voice', sort of way. Kasey loved that. He ran, like a happy school boy, through the halls. My personal favorite, was when they were stopped in front of the Gorilla exhibit, and Kasey feels the need to embarrass himself past any level of normal comprehension, and bang on his chest like King Kong. At that point, I would have cut the cameras, and walked out. Leaving him, his bubble voice, his tight pants, and lyrical mastery alone.

Just when I didn't think it could get any better, it did. After his first attempt at Backstreet Boys romantic douchery, he decided at their romantic picnic in the museum to knock her socks off with another impromptu song. Again, this song sounded like his voicebox was covered in a thick and permanent layer of cheesecake.

On the night I first saw you, I was staring through that glass

And I knew at that first moment, that you and I would last

On the beach in California, you made me start to believe

And now we're in New York city, and it's just you and me

And tonight you got a rose, and I don't want to feel it's thorns

And if you choose me Ali, I'll forever be yours.

Ali doesn't give Kasey a rose. At that point, I thought the frog was going to come dancing out of his voice box and flick Kasey's head into an explosion. Fortunately, we had the passion of seeing him talk about "guarding and protecting her / his hearts" for the rest of the 45-minute troll show. It started to become a lot like REDRUM. I was picturing seeing Kasey in the corner of the show, talking to his pinky, mumbling "guard and protect" over and over.

Why did Allie not give Kasey a rose and send froggy home? She was probably afraid of a double murder / suicide. Doing it in front of more people, the elimination aspect, there are more witnesses and less chances of crazy Kasey going crazy on all.

A Word that I have ABSOLUTELY Incorporated in my Vocabulary..

Bubbies. Thank you to our favorite housewives of Jersey - ala the Manzo sisters, and Teresa, the term "bubbies" has been pawned to replace the more politically correct, breasts. I have started using this phrase in daily life. For instance, some popular phrases: "this top looks great on my bubbies", or "my bubbies were sweating like crazy in the subway station", or even like "ah, that dog is the cutest little bubbie I have ever seen".

It's Official

As of 10:00pm eastern time last night, Chris Manzo accepted my friendship on facebook. This means a multitude of exciting and life changing scenarios: one step closer to entering the Manzo family as Mrs. Albie Manzo. I can hear the wedding bells and see the wedding at The Brownstone as we speak...

Jersey, here I come!

Battle of the Hair: Who Rocks the Best Weave

I would like to consider myself a weave aficionado. For those of you that know me, you know why - for everyone else, just mind your own beeswax. Weaves, hair extensions, clip ins are beyond popular. Everyone's girl Tyra Banks has even dedicated a full 60-minute show to the fake hair industry. Thus with the amount of fake locks gracing the heads of our favorite women (and men), its time to battle this out. Weave Competition 2k10..

1. Tiffany, aka "New York": This HBIC has rocked the multiple strands of synthetic hair, from curly tendrils to straight. I have seen some alarming styles looking like snakes popping from her scalp, but I have also seen some phenomenal loose curls.
2. Allie, aka "The Bachelorette": This horny singleton came back with quite the ball drop in the newest season of the show. Her hair extensions look like they were put in with a glue stick. They are separated like spaghetti noodles, overall a sloppy mess. Pain is beauty - in this case, painful on the eyes of the viewers.
3. Sammie, aka "Sweetheart": Sammie, (who can't really pronounce her -r's, so Ronnie becomes "Wonnie") has shown everyone that she loves the clip in extensions. I give it to her, I think they look bad ass. If I were Sammie I would upgrade to a full 24/7 look with the long extensions - they take away from her terrible personality.
4. Jennie, aka "JWow": Wow is right. Call me crazy but neon rulers glued into the hair is not a flattering look. JWizzle really shocked the hell out of America when she rolled in to the Seaside Heights house with an utter abominable shit storm on her head. If I were her, I would have taken the money from the extension crisis, and bought more midriff baring tops and bedazzled acid wash boot cut jeans.
5. Heather, aka "Rock of Love Chick": Now, I don't understand what it is about 30 inches+ of pink, black, and platinum hair that would leave one thinking that it would ever look good. It is wrong on all levels. Heather looks like she had My Little Pony put the fake locks in.
6. Brett Michaels: I think his look nice, however - I have yet to see him sans cowboy hat or bandanna, so it could be a mess underneath the heat he's packing on his head.
7. Real, "Real Chance of Love": dreadlocks...more like shitlocks. The long weave that Real rocks has been braided, (french and cornrowed) and curled. I was waiting for the day that he would rock an updo - he obviously is high maintenance with his hair, I would never want my boo to share my curling iron. It would look good on a female, I might call him and see who glues that bad-boy in...
8. Kate Gosselin: Disasterous, Armageddon 2k10. I don't know whats worse the choppy hurricane strands that were just thrown up in her hair, or her dancing performance to "Paparazzi" by Gaga-loo on DWTS.

Moral of the Story: Do I respect fake hair? YES. Do I respect many of the weaves rocked by our favorite reality tv stars? NO.

Real World NEW ORLEANS.

I am surprised that MTV decided to bring the Real World BACK to New Orleans based on this little clip-bit itself...

ASIDE from the skeet-a-boo-dee's, HOLY MACARONI. I know, I'm 24, I shouldn't be on cloud 9 about a tv show. Real World is the most entertaining dysfunction fair on tv. I am going to blog until I get carpel tunnel. June 30 bitches..

I am looking forward to the following:

• Hot tub orgies, check.
• Gay love, check.
• Late night eating, check.
• Boozing themselves retarded, check.
• In house hookups, check.
• Fights, check.
• Police, check.
• Nakedness, check.
• Failing on their "job", check.
• A deep dark secret from one or two of the cast members, check.

GIDDY UP!!!!

Stick to sleeping with married men Kim..

Who remembers ATL's finest, classiest housewife Kim Zolciak? The wigs, the massive balloon implants, the cigs, the wine, the affair, the wig pulling with Sheree, the infamous brawl with Lisa and NeNe, and...the singing. Her hit, "Don't be Tardy for the Party" was the next step pre-"Tightrope". For those who have not experienced the natural and amazing talent of Ms. Zolciak, please take a gander. I love her white ensemble - my personal favorite, the white top hat. Did you borrow that hat from the albino Mr. Peanut? She could be the ring leader in the dark weird circus. Let your ears have the most orgasmic experience of their life. This is where its at...

Please take note of the facial expressions and commentary from Dallas Austin, I hope he was getting paid overtime. And, also the she-male working the synthesizing computer has to remove the headphones in fear of permanent hearing loss, probably a better option at the time than to have to listen to this, thus resulting in bleeding from the ears.

Moral of the Story: this could be used as a war tactic. And Kim, the reason your voice is so deep is because your balls just dropped - congratulations, this happens to men!

LuMAN has REALLY done it this time

MOVE OVER MARIAH CAREY! Luanimal, go on witchur bad self! The Countess' record career is really taking off. She jetted off to LA to perform live on KTLA, her hit single and a personal favorite of mine: Money Can't buy you Class. From the amazing step touch bobble head dancing, arm motions, the cascading high notes she has proved her real talent. I have to say that her stand out point for proving her talent is when she so boldy takes on the move of speaking the lyrics, ala "Oh Yeah", or "My Friends", obviously with the corresponding head nods. With the tone and shock value of her voice, it is clear that she could wake a bear out of hibernation, or cause for an avalanche in the rockies.

Another personal favorite part of the performance is the different camera angle of the girls dancing to the Countess' hit. They seem to be having a real blast, starstruck almost. This is a life changing event. Gaga or the Countess, choice is clear..Countess, der!

Truly, this AIN'T right on all levels. If someone gave me the chance to listen to this track on repeat for a solid 24-hours for a million dollars, I would say no. If someone said I either had to walk across fire with crabs pinching my fingertips while hot sauce was being poured in my eyes, or watch this performance, I would choose the first. Easy, simple, no brainer.

Snooki for Prez

My friend Krissy recently sent me a tweet from Senator John McCain to Snooki herself:

@Sn00ki u r right, I would never tax your tanning bed! Pres Obama's tax/spend policy is quite The Situation. but I do rec wearing sunscreen!

For those who haven't seen the severe anger from Snickers herself regarding the up in taxes for tanning, she has peeved herself to a tint of red. Which has resulted in self applied self tanner, and of course the ever popular Mystic Tanning. Mystic Tanning is a risky venture. I have tried Mystic Tanning, not even getting the darkest of the muddy shades, and started looking sun kissed to caramel to mocha to Oscar the Grouch green, and then a sludge mud color. I can't pull it off, but Snooks can.

The moral of this tweet is that from all walks of life: the Jersey girls, the 24-year old nannies, senators, tweens, gangsters, celebs - there is an underlying love and respect for Snooki.

The Bachlorette's Kasey, Preview of his Singing

I love your voice Kasey, truly I do.

The BacWHORElette

Alli is a promiscuous girl. I hope that Christina Aguilera doesn't send her the vag-dazzled undies, she will wear them - & a lot of the men in the house, i.e. The Weatherman, will probably steal them and try to wear them.

What has happened to ABC? What bridge were these trolls brought out from under to be the guys fighting and crying to win over Allie? Clearly they are still Bachelors for a reason. And, Barenaked Ladies? Really? And what a video...career suicide.

The whole house of men are on the same menstrual calendar, and a lot of them were on their periods' this week. The amount of emotion was over the top. The weatherman cried, then did a heel click on the way up to accept his rose - Rated R bawled like a baby when the boys were being mean to him. Frank is on the verge of tears at all times. He is constantly staring, looking, smiling, whimpering ...stalker status? YES.

The outfit choices on the show are in need of some rearranging and redoing. Jesse in a jean suit, Kasey in a mint green suit (going on three weeks solid in this uniform), Craig R looking like an over-sized midget with a red hanky in his pocket to match his red tie, Ty's over-sized choker...and how could I forget, Alli's Jessica McClintock Cinderella Gown.

NEXT WEEK IS ARMAGEDDON. Kasey with the constant foamy blockage in his windpipe goes bat shit crazy. Cutting. Crying. SINGING. The Weatherman has perma-boner at the thought of performing on Broadway, the question is, will he tuck his wiener for the event?